Letting go hurts....OUCH!

Well tomorrow is a big day in our household...probably the biggest change we have had since we brought little Miss Madeline Grace into the world. She is going to Kindergarten. I have been crazy blessed to be able to be with her every single day for five years and watch her grow into the incredible imaginative curious young lady that she is. Tomorrow will be a much harder day for mommy than Madeline, and again for this I am thankful. Wouldn't it be terrible if it was the other way around? I realize so much in this moment that this is the beginning of a life long journey of letting her go. And OUCH....it hurts. Don't you remember those times as you grew up that your mom cried over say songs like "Watercolor Ponies" or Kodak commercials? And you never could understand why? To my beautiful sweet Mother, I apologize as I am now tearing up at the lady changing a baby's diaper in the restroom...yeah I am that crazy! HA!

I have never for one moment taken Madeline for granted. For those of you who know me well, know I was told I would never have a baby of my own. That if I tried at the very least, I would go blind. I remember watching friend after friend have a baby and have such a terrible heartache for motherhood. I also chose a career path that surrounded me daily with children. I remember watching people drop of their babies at daycare as early as possible and pick them up as late as possible so they could go play tennis and do lunch. I remember very well vowing that if I ever was blessed enough to be able to adopt a baby...that I would pour my heart and soul into those years before Kindergarten (And of course the years to follow). I remember working for the State of Tennessee in the Department of Children Services and working cases that are to horrific to even mention here. I remember splitting up families of children to make sure that they had a safe foster home to go to in the middle of the night. I worked in an inner city preschool and watched family dynamics that is still hard for me to understand. All of these places in my path.....made me know that one day when I had a child of my own that I would never take it for granted. And that simple thing has been the biggest blessing in my life.

I will never forget the moment that Madeline was born. For many reasons. Hearing that tiny innocent sweet newborn baby cry....holding those tiny fingers and toes. And you know what...all the things the doctors had thrown in my head for years were proven WRONG. I was looking at my healthy baby girl. I had been told she would go to the NICU and I would not get to hold her. WRONG. God had bigger plans. I thank him for that.

I thank God for these past five years. I thank my husband for these past 5 years. If it wasn't for his dedication and love...we could never have been able to make this work. Mark I love you and can never thank you enough. I am thankful for my mom and dad who made it possible for my mom to stay with us all those years. And it is because of my mom that I do know I will be okay. I am so thankful for her example and pray I can be even half the mom she is.

So as we send Miss Madeline out into the big world of public school tomorrow, I will be so happy knowing she is going knowing how loved she is and that she is ready to take on this world. Mommy will probably cry...a lot....but its only because I love.....a lot.

Here's to Dirt in Your Glass

So back in January, I started this blog when I learned that I man I adore and love had Cruetchfield-Jakobs disease. The time has come that I must find it in my heart to be able to say goodbye to this man. I know with my heart of hearts, he truly is finally out of pain and suffering. BUT the two year old stuffed deep within is throwing herself on the floor screaming NO NO NO. This isn't fair. I am having a tough time finding the reason for this one.
You know sometimes in life when you are going through something and it doesn't quite feel real? It almost seems I thought I bought a ticket to a comedy and actually stepped into an agonizing viewing of the never ending movie the English Patient. I would like my ticket refunded please and now I want to go see Bridesmaids with a Pina Coloda in hand. This is how my Mr. J would want me to celebrate too. He would be real ticked at me for acting like a two year old screaming on the floor. So here is where I have to pick myself up and celebrate the incredible man that I had the privilege of knowing my entire life. A man who could make a room full of people laugh within ten seconds of walking in. So quick witted...I have never met anyone quite like him. He is a man that was my parents' brother by friendship. You know that part of your family that you selected to be "in membership". It is hard to loose someone you know you could count on any moment in your life. It is hard to say goodbye. So I am not going to. Mr. J, you will always be in my heart. And here is to dirt in your glass, I love you. Buzz.

Terrible Blogger

Wow. I am a terrible blogger. I admit it. I really love blogging but finding the time to sit down and really write what is in my head...well I have a hard time getting it done. I have a sweet friend who just took our precious little one to the swimming pool with her kiddos and here I sit! So many changes since Feb! Can't believe as I sit here, it is the end of June. Summer is in full swing and life is continuing to throw some huge curve balls our way. Humor, love, and patience are great qualities to have in these moments! I am lucky to be surrounded by a lot of people who have these qualities and so many more.
I had a small outpatient surgery last week and I was overwhelmed at the love that poured into our house. Dinners, breakfasts, childcare, cards, emails, calls, etc....well it was a neat way for God to say "YOU ARE BLESSED, STOP AND TAKE NOTICE". Noted. I stopped and I noticed.
In other parts of our family there have been some health related emergencies. It has been difficult but only because we love each other so darn much. I hate being so far away from my family. I have really learned to rely on friends who have become family and I am thankful for all of your listening ears and prayers.
Good news in other forms have come forward lately and we have many things to celebrate too! Life is so wild the roller coaster that it is...two seconds ago we were climbing up the hill and now we are twisting and turning upside down. Glad my seat belt is fastened.
I decided I would once again grab a group of friends and in October do the Walk for Diabetes. I have been a type one diabetic for over 32 years. Which seems wild since I still feel 24. It is an everyday battle and balance. It pains me to hear of friends children who have been diagnosed and having to watch the families struggle with learning a new life with a chronic disease. Diabetes is nothing to mess around with. I have been in great control for most of my life and even with that have had complications. I have had over 20 laser eye surgeries fighting off Diabetic Retinopathy which is the leading cause of blindness in adults. Talk about looking at life through different lenses. I have to say when I take in a moment....I look at it a lot differently than I used to. I now have a beautiful daughter of my own and think how wonderful it would be for her generation to not have to deal with this disease. I have been told for 32 years that a cure is just around the corner. I still have much hope that it is in fact just around the corner.
Since being diagnosed, I have seen so many changes. I used to have to use urine (sorry anyone who wasn't ready for that) to test my blood sugar. Insulin used to come from a pig. Retinopathy was unstoppable and was a damned to blindness diagnosis. I took up to 5 shots a day. BUT NOW, through amazing research and technology....I wear an insulin pump. It regulates my blood sugars and I only have to change the site every three days. I just got a brand new lancet device for pricking your finger for blood samples for a blood sugar reading...and well it feels amazing. I know I know. Sounds crazy but believe me it has come far from the days back in the hospital when the nurse would prick your finger with the needle in HER hand.
I don't like asking people for money. I hated selling wrapping paper as a kid and girl scout cookies were not fun either. However this is one case in which I can ask and plead for because if I as a person who has the disease doesn't, then who will? If you at all so feel compelled, please watch the video (If I can figure out how to attach it...ha ha ha) and give to our Walk Team. Team DiaBEAThis :)!

Okay it is on Youtube.... www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjAFTaF9viE&feature=youtube_gdata

"When people show you who they are, believe them" Maya Angelou

I am so thankful for true good friends. They are rare gems and bright lights in our world. I was lucky enough to spend the day today with one of those people. Our friendship is effortless and comfortable. We can go days without talking and pick right back up on where we left off. She is my cheerleader and I am hers. We know how to celebrate together and how to cry together. These genuine friendships are something I thank God for daily.

While we were talking, I thought to myself, I love being in my thirties. I am finally comfortable in my own skin and know who I am. I no longer have the worries of my younger days when I tried to understand the "Mob Mentality" that can exist within human nature and that desire to fit in. I am finally comfortable with the fact that not everyone in this world is going to like me, and I am not going to always like everyone. This took me a very long time to grasp. And in this discussion my sweet friend dropped the quote from Maya Angelou, "When people show you who they are, believe them". I had to giggle a bit. I know I am not always the best judge of character (I know many of you are laughing very hard right now at this one)...I want so desperately to see the good in everyone. But now I can do that without the naive view that everyone does have good intentions. And in life all learned things can come at a price. I had to learn this lesson as many people do, but being on the other side of the lesson....well I am thankful. It is empowering. I now know I really should pay much closer attention to what people show me :)!

While I am a person of many faults, I like who I am. I live a life full of joy and love. I am a blessed lady. I am so thankful for those friends who I can call with tears of frustration, tears of sadness, and in moments of pure excitement. Friends are a very imporatant part of life and when you find those who you connect with so easliy....it really makes this ride a lot more fun. WB thanks friend for a really fantastic day.

Yellow Cars

So last summer, before leaving my parents house...my dad says to our daughter...."Every time you see a yellow car you can remember me. Every time I see a yellow car, I will remember you."
If you have ever had the chance to know our little one...she has a memory on her. She can remember going on a vacation with the Davis branch of the family when she was still in diapers and had a paci! The kid forgets nothing. So to be told that she could remember "Doda" every time she sees a yellow car stuck in her head.
You know when you are little (okay ladies, probably not so much for the guys....) you would dream about your family. The man who would be the King of the Castle and all the little princesses and princeses? One thing I never imagined was all those sweet moments between my parents (the true King and Queen) and my own little girl (the true princess). Today, on our way home from gymnastics...I hear a squeal of delight from the backseat followed by "A YELLOW CAR, A YELLOW CAR, I remember DODA and Grandma Sue". I will never quite look at yellow cars the same. I can still picture my dad and my baby, on the front porch of their house talking about how they would remember each other. Yellow cars. And in a sweet second a tradition that will continue on for a very long time....
It can be so hard being so far from the ones you love so much. It makes me sad that my baby girl doesn't get to see my family and my husband's family more than she does. We make every attempt for her to know these amazing people but it makes me sad that they all miss out on her growing up and she misses out on them in her daily life. I wish I could bottle her excitement from her new puppy, being line leader at school, and reading her first book. It makes me sad knowing I am missing these moments for my sweet nephews Parker and Luke. Madeline is a very blessed little princess to have so many people in this world who love her so much. I pray that she never takes that for granted. I don't think she will though....this kid has an amazing heart. But she will always have her Yellow Car.....

Snow day and Child Like Hearts

So I truly believe children have the key to living a happy life. Everything is so simple and so in the moment. Today in South Texas it snowed. San Antonio shut down...and children of all ages came out to play. We met neighbors today that we have never met before...all over some signs. I had saved some signs from going to the trash at an event and they became the best sleds on the street. We pulled them all out and everyone took turns riding down the street. Pure joy, pure laughter, and pure excitement. I wish we could put moments like these in a nice little bottle for those days when the world seems so dark. We live in a tough time with lots of not so great things going on in the world. But here in San Antonio on Feb. 4, 2011 pure delight was found on a neighborhood street.
If only we could look at every situation with such excitement. Today I GET TO GO TO WORK! Weeeee. Or I cannot wait to clean the house and go to the GROCERY Store! Think of how much happier our lives would be. And the funny thing is, we should feel that way. We are very lucky people to have houses to clean, jobs to go to, and places where we can go and buy food. My challenge to you this week is to look at your world through those child like eyes. Get excited about the normal and be thankful for all the things we have. WEEEEEE I am off to clean my house :)!

A job that Isn't work!

So I happen to be lucky enough to get to spend two days a week with a classroom full of characters. 13 of them to be exact. I love these kids. One of them calls me Mrs. Dodie and well it melts my heart.

It wasn't until recently I realized how many people truly do not like what they do for a living. And that it is a huge blessing to have found something that brings such joy into my life. It may not fill our bank account but it fills so much more for me. In a lot of ways I feel quite selfish. I could go get a 9-5 job that would in fact help pad our bank account. But I want so badly to be the one who picks up our little banana from school each day. So this year, I did something selfish and took a job I love. I get to go to far off worlds, hear about dinosaurs, go on treasure hunts, and hear why Mommy doesn't like the way Daddy loads the dishwasher :). I get to watch new discoveries through eyes that are so eager to learn and so hungry for knowledge. I get to see the light go off when a child learns a new skill. I get to see parents joyful moments as they learn what their child has done that day. If only we could all get so excited about getting to be the line leader :)!

And as if that wasn't enough to sell me on the job forever, I get to work with an amazing group of people who truly CARE about each other. It really is a family. With so many people on staff, there are all kinds of life situations going on. It is amazing to see all these women reach out to one another. Having had my own things go on recently, I had tearful moments of joy at the emails, phone calls, and "facebooks" checking in to see if I was okay and that I was missed. I sometimes have to pinch myself that I have now had the privilege to work in such a place twice.

The first place was an amazing school in Nashville that is run by Dominican Sisters. These ladies were unbelievable. They actually lived what they believed and have greatly influenced my life. As a matter of fact our daughter is named after one of the Sisters and we are NOT Catholic. This second school is a Baptist School in San Antonio. Again an amazing group of women who are living what they believe. I am in awe of both places as it seems so rare these days to meet people who back up what they believe in their actions. It restores my faith in people a lot. When there is so much negative in the world and so much hate that can be surrounded with religion....it is comforting to see the peace of places like these. It is awesome to see the love of God exude from what were once strangers to me. I feel home. I see God in each of these places. In the way they care about one another, the way they care about the families and children, and they way in which they live. I am a very lucky lady.

I am blessed with a very rich life. Some days I have to remind myself to look at what I do have instead of what I don't. And when I stop to really look, I am in awe of all the blessings I have been given.

Let the wild rompus begin.

So I have never blogged. I can admit it, I have been a facebook junkie for quite awhile and find writing on it to be therapeutic. So when asked if I had ever thought about blogging I have to be honest, I had not! I am going to give this a try and see what happens.
You know when life gives you a wake up call...a smack in your face HEY PAY ATTENTION to me wake up call? I got one of those recently when someone I love dearly was diagnosed with what may be one of the cruelest diseases I have heard of. He has been diagnosed with Creutzfeldt-Jakob's disease which is very similar to Mad Cow. We don't know how much longer he will be with us and it is hard to watch someone you love slip away. I have been lucky enough to be married to an amazing man, who hopped in a car with me and drove 13 hours so that we could see him. And you know what I saw that I didn't expect to see in those moments....one of the sweetest love stories right before my eyes. In the middle of something so cruel and so painful was a love between two people that is indescribable. He and his wife communicated with each other without ever saying a word. The gentle way she helps him, in those less than dignified moments, where she quickly and quietly restored all dignity to a man who she literally became one with when they married. You know as a young child, watching all those princesses and princes....you get told as you get older, those are only true in fairy tales....not true. In front of me sat a true prince and princess. A true love story.
I watched my parents, hold hands, steal kisses, and have those tender moments we all hope for. My husband and I, who also have a pretty darn amazing love story....well we hugged each other a little tighter and appreciated all those things we so easily forget to appreciate. James Taylor had it so right, the secret of life IS enjoying the passage of time. Time passes so quickly and sometimes we forgot to stop and enjoy it. Not me not anymore. I have always appreciated the small things and I will attribute that to struggling with my own disease and its demons, but this wake up call has shaken me at my core. To you sweet dear friend who reads this blog, let my wake up call be yours too....enjoy every minute with those you love and don't stress about the things out of your control. Live your life to the fullest. Love, Laugh, enjoy the gifts around you everyday.